Obedience

The word obedience to me invokes the very spirit of submission. I have always done my best to obey those in authority over me. But I have not always done so in a spirit of obedience. This word is something I have thought on often since the beginning of my enslavement. And my attitude or lack of it has always been a part of my true obedience. I am going to get really honest here in this essay about what is going through my head at these times.

There are many times I obey without thinking and these times are becoming more and more frequent and that pleases me immensely. These times are the time when submission isn’t a question but an action. Sometimes it’s over small things but I have always heard that wars are won over many small battles so I take heart. During these times I don’t think I just do what has been requested. Most of the time they are what I would call small obedience’s, or ones that have become habit and wouldn’t require thought in any case. For example: saying Sir at the end of each sentence, going where told online. Some rules and requirements require me to be more aware such as, avoiding places, people or situations I do not have permission for. These require me to keep an awareness and obey because I want to obey, not because someone is watching over me. These times can present a danger, if I do not keep my awareness I can and have slipped into disobedience. Thankfully this hasn’t happened much but enough that I know it can be a problem area for me.

The entire purpose of obedience is to fall in line with what the person you are obeying finds pleasing and/or necessary. When it’s something I wouldn’t mind doing it is not a problem. When it’s something I don’t want to do or may disagree with I will find myself fighting it. At these times I am prone to lose the "good" attitude of obedience, become sullen and silently mutinous. That is bad enough,  but it’s when my mouth opens that I lose control of my behavior. If I at stay silent, I buy time to find the correct attitude and to look at why I felt as I did. I am human and though it pains me to admit sometimes as selfish as the next person. When something I am asked to obey comes into direct contact with my comfort zone or beliefs about things I get upset. While this is understandable it does not or should not change the fact of my actions in obedience. This is what I am striving for now, the ability to obey no matter what I feel and I am very sure I will be given plenty of opportunities to practice this.

When I am given an order that I deem unfair, or that I am not comfortable with, I feel a tightening in my stomach and my mouth draws together tight. I feel emotions bubbling inside me and since I have striven for so long to keep those under lock and key this always panics me and angers me a bit. I fight hard to regain control, at least enough to perform the act of obedience until I can get my thoughts and emotions in line. It is so important to communicate my struggles, be that in a journal or one on one. Master wants me to succeed and when I struggle He is there for me. He may not take away that struggle but He will be there next to me as I work through it. Many things can and do influence me in ways that cause me to struggle: more orders I may find hard, outside influences on my emotions such as bad day at work, unvoiced wants and/needs. That last one is hard for me to admit to. I rarely ever put into voice the things I truly want or need in life or for myself. And it’s the one that seems to affect me the hardest. I have difficulty even admitting to myself my hopes, dreams and desires. When I see something happening that might not fall in line with those at times this can produce the most violent reaction in me and make obedience with or without proper attitude nearly impossible.

When these situations occur, I end up spending honest time with myself in order to bring about the obedience in myself I desire. And I do desire to submit and obey. When I am honest and open with myself then I can be so with my Master as well. I thrive on pleasing and in the right atmosphere of control, I see myself absolutely glowing. Choosing who to submit to and obey was important to me for a long time because I normally make some poor choices in areas that are meant to promote my personal well-being. When the time came for that choice there was actually very little to it, I was in a place where I could no longer go on alone and I had to trust (that word sends shivers through me)and obey.

For someone who gets so much pleasure from pleasing I do not understand why the act of trusting another brought about such fear in me as it is required in any act of submission. As the trust built and I was asked to give more of this trust and obey at different levels I felt within me a growing fear of the unknown. The biggest of these fears was abandonment and rejection. As I grew closer to the Master and positive feelings begin to course through me the knowledge that these feelings could be taken away from me and devastate me almost froze me to my core. I knew they might continue to grow and become something even more wonderful, yet the risk was always on my mind. I could be hurt, and in the past I would sabotage something that was going well to try to control the situation so that I didn’t end up as hurt as my unrealistic fears told me I would be.

I know this is foolish behavior. Yes there is a chance I am going to be hurt, yet it is extremely stupid to sabotage my own happiness. I have worked very hard to try to overcome this. I realize it is also extremely egotistical of me to believe that I have that much control. It is my looking at these things and my motives honestly that have led me to turn over more and more control to my Master. I believe myself to be a reasonably intelligent person and after carefully looking at myself I came to the realization that in order to be happy I must simply trust and submit.

Obedience is the one thing I can do to bring about greater trust and submission. Today I can say with conviction that obedience to Master has helped me become the person, woman and slave I always wanted to be.

Posted with the permission of Master Darius Aldrin