Avoiding the Perils of Manipulation

This blog is about avoiding the perils of manipulation within the D/s life-style relationship. It is not meant to refer to the use of manipulation in a scene or rp setting but within the actual relationship itself.

Manipulation is defined as the power to affect the opinions of the one who is in charge. The use of under-handed, sneaky, or trickery. To play two opposing forces off against each other to one's own advantage. (courtesy of Webster's dictionary).  The connotation of the word is considered negative.
Manipulation within the D/s life-style can become very dangerous to the foundation of the relationship. A key aspect of the D/s life-style is that it is based upon mutual honesty, trust and respect. When those fundamentals of the relationship are ignored and deceitfulness or trickery is used to gain an advantage over the other person the foundation of the relationship can be damaged even irrevocably as you risk losing both the respect and trust of your partner.  Once those key basic elements have disintegrated the relationship will ultimately fail.

Manipulation can be used by either Dominant or submissive and can be just as devastating to the relationship when used by either. The submissive should be able to always come to his/her Dominant to express open and honestly any thoughts, concerns, feelings, or needs that they have and expect that their Dominant will listen and respect what they are communicating without resorting to manipulation. The Dominant may disagree but they need to acknowledge that those are the honest emotions and thoughts of their submissive. This should open a line of honest communication between the two and hopefully prevent the use of manipulation to gain the attention of the Dominant.
When the Dominant feels that the submissive may be resorting to using a form of manipulation the Dominant should immediately discuss this with the submissive openly and honestly. Look at your relationship, at your submissive, are your submissives being met? Have you given your submissive the ability to openly and honestly communicate with you? If so have you been listening? Is there a disconnect from what your sub is saying and what you are hearing? Have you been clear in your instructions? Outline your concerns with your submissive keeping an open mind during your discussion and really listen to each other. Then let them know manipulation is not tolerated and the danger of it's use within the relationship.

Dominants in turn use manipulation on submissives that can be just as damaging to the relationship. If you resort to trickery to affect a change in behavior you have not really trained your submissive and taught them the behavior you really desire. Take the time to explain and train your submissive through clear direction, teaching them, guiding them in order to consistently achieve the desired behavior. There is no substitute for having that open, honest communication with your submissive so that you both have a better understanding and work to build your relationship on trust and mutual respect. It is through this type of communication where you will truly affect a consistent change within your submissive because now you have ensured his or her understanding and that his/her motivation is in the right place as well.

For those of us who are parents we recognize quickly the use of manipulation seldom achieves what we desire from our children more than once. Resentment, disrespect, mistrust and hurt can result from the use of manipulation. We affect a much better result with our training through teaching, guiding, explaining and encouraging appropriate behavior.  The same is true of the D/s relationship.