Storm Warning

“Storm Warning”

Don’t you wish life came with a clear warning system when danger was approaching? While all relationships can have pitfalls with various strains on the relationship for those of us in the D/s lifestyle it becomes even more important to detect the often subtle “storm warnings” as they approach in order to prevent a destructive pattern that can destroy the D/s relationship. Both Dominant and submissive have expectations of what they would consider a healthy D/s relationship. It is important to discuss each other’s expectations and needs up front at the onset of the D/s relationship. Ensuring that you have a good match is essential right from the start. Too often a Dominant is too quick to offer a collar or a submissive is too quick to accept a collar before they even sit down to ensure that you are well suited and that a good match or fit exists between them. The collaring of a submissive is a huge commitment on both parties and not one that should be taken lightly by either the Dominant or submissive.

There is no substitute for having an open and honest line of communication between the Dominant and submissive regarding their likes, dislikes, needs, and limits from the very beginning. There are many helpful tools that can be used to aid in this process of interviewing prospective partners. The BDSM checklist guide is a straight forward and easy to use tool to establish the likes, dislikes, fetishes and limits of your prospective partner. It is a good idea to fill one out ahead of time and have it ready to pass to your prospective partner to review while you review theirs.  This will tell you right away if you should even progress to the next level of communication or acknowledge that this person does not meet your needs. Potential crisis averted. Take the time to get to know each other before you scene with them, listen to your gut instincts and get to know the person behind the avi.
Poly families have a unique set of dynamics within the family relationship and takes special care from all of its members to ensure a happy and healthy home life. When bringing in potential new family members great care must be taken in choosing the right person. You must ensure that their likes, dislikes and needs match not only the Dominant but also the other members of the family. If you don’t take your time on this step and allow for open honest dialogue with you and your family members you have a potential storm brewing and risk the disintegration of the family.

There are many warning signs when a relationship begins to go wrong even in a vanilla relationship. When you are in a D/s relationship it becomes even more important to stay tuned in to the relationship and to watch for the early warning signs. Has the other person’s time online suddenly changed, has communication halted, has there been a break in trust, dishonesty, personality changes, change in motivation? These signs can occur from either the Dominant or submissive. It is important to emphasize here that it is not just the role of the Dominant to ensure that a relationship is running smoothly. There are at least two of you in this relationship and it takes both of you working hard and staying in tune to one another to make sure it continues to work. Look to the other person and try to understand their needs. Those needs may change according to what is happening in other aspects of their life (rl or sl) and needs may change.

Dominants be in tune to when your submissive may need to be held, reassured, treated with kindness or a gentle hand. Also realize when they are feeling lost and out of control and may need to be yanked back with a firmer hand. Submissives we also need to realize that the needs of our Dominant are paramount and it is our duty to be in tuned to their needs in order to serve them properly. I have spoken to several submissives who think because their Dominant is not on Dom mode 24/7 that they are somehow failing to be a good Master or Mistress to them. Think how exhausting and draining it must be to have to be “On Duty” in a Dominant mode 24/7.  Are you forcing their hand to behave in only one manner? This behavior can be draining for both the Dominant and submissive if there is never an understanding of their actual needs and sensitivity to what they may need from you at any given moment. Submissive’s watch for signs of stress in your Dominant and try to make their time relaxed and enjoyable. If we are inflexible and do not allow for them to have times of tenderness then are we really serving their needs or just fulfilling our own fantasy? Have they really failed you or are you failing them?

The key to any early warning system is keeping the lines of communication open and honest between you and your partner. Your partner is not a mind reader, this works both ways, and you must communicate your needs, concerns, fears and work together to strengthen your relationship. If not then when the storm comes nothing will be left in its wake.