Jealousy

Jealousy itself is a very natural emotion that exists in both our vanilla and BDSM life and can present itself to all of us at one time or other in varying degrees.  When it is acknowledged appropriately then there can be positive results motivating us to improve ourselves, work harder or to strive to achieve our goals. However, jealousy can also be very destructive depending on how we choose to react/act on that emotion. While we can’t always control the situation we find ourselves in that lead to the jealous feelings we are experiencing we do all have the ability to control how we react/act on those emotions.

A true submissive/slave gives of themselves willingly and joyfully to their Dominant.  Serving their Dominant brings them a sense of belonging and purpose as they go about serving their Dominant in love, loyalty and devotion. They find a sense of safety, security and love in the knowledge they are owned. The Dominant provides for the safety, emotional and physical well-being of their submissive. This relationship builds trust between them with the submissive trusting that the Dominant will always have their best interest at heart and the Dominant trusts that the submissive will obey trusting in their decisions. It does not always mean that the submissive agrees with everything the Dominant decides but that they trust the Dominant to make the decision based on what is in their best interest. When jealousy leads to inappropriate acting out then this bond of trust is threatened. Without trust the relationship will not survive.

This is why finding that right match between Dominant and submissive is so critical in the beginning. There are many factors that need to be discussed prior to the offering and accepting of a collar to see if you are a good match. Many differences in expectations of either the Dominant or submissive could lead to jealousy in the future if not discussed and agreed upon prior to the acceptance of a collar. For example, the expectation of a Dominant who desires to have more than one submissive needs to be discussed up front. The submissive would need to understand this is an expectation of their Dominant prior to accepting the collar. Once the submissive agrees to this then acting out in jealousy would not be acceptable and could lead to the destruction of the relationship. For a submissive who finds it difficult to share the attention and affection of their Dominant with another submissive then accepting a collar of this type is not an ideal situation and can lead to feelings of jealousy that can cause bitterness which in time will destroy the relationship.  So while we can’t always foresee and avoid every situation that could potentially lead to jealousy within the D/s lifestyle we can limit those situations that we know we cannot handle early on through ongoing open and honest communication discussing those expectations, boundaries and limits.

When feelings of jealousy do occur don’t try to deny or dismiss them, acknowledge them. Denying the emotion can eventually lead to bitterness and acting out inappropriately. Having jealous feelings does not make you bad person, it just makes you human and it affects us all. Don’t be afraid to take “a time out” to think, meditate or pray about the situation before reacting to it. Try to look at the situation objectively and try to understand the underlying cause of the emotion. Once you understand what you are feeling and why then respectfully communicate your feelings openly and honestly, identify the underlying cause and discuss the situation. Remember it is not that we have feelings of jealousy but how we choose to react/act on those feelings that are important. 

What do you find that helps you when feeling the pangs of jealousy begin to set in? Leave a comment and share your tips with us.