A frequent question of many new submissive is how will they
know the difference between someone who is a true Dominate and someone who is just
domineering? I would like to take that a step further and ask how can you spot
a bully and is it ok to be a bully in the BDSM world?
The BDSM world is full of so many different lifestyle
choices. There is no right or wrong way to enjoy the BDSM lifestyle. However, it
is important to make sure that your needs, desires and wants match those of
your partner so that you do not just force your opinions or lifestyle choices
on someone else. There are so many in the vanilla world that do not understand
and condemn our lifestyle choices that we need to make sure we support one another
within our BDSM community and not judge one another. Having said that there is
also no excuse for not being courteous of other people’s rights to enjoy the
lifestyle the way that they feel suits them best even when you have different
ideas and opinions.
A Dominate is defined as someone who exerts control over another
person. They generally dominate with a sense of purpose and restraint. They exert
this control over their own lives and actions as well as the life and actions of
their submissive. Most D/s relationships involve the Dominant guiding, caring
for and nurturing their submissive. On the other hand you do not need to be in
a D/s relationship to encounter someone who is domineering. A domineering personality is random and
generally tyrannical in trying to exert control over another person or
situation. They can often do so without care or concern for the other
individual and are inclined to rule arbitrarily, despotically or tyrannically. A
bully exerts control over other people and situations by using intimidation to
force their opinions and desires in an aggressive, overbearing, and sometimes
cruel manner against those they perceive are weaker.
What about bullying? There are many ways to bully someone
and it exists in both the BDSM and vanilla worlds. Bullies come in all shapes,
sizes and temperaments and bullying does not only occur at the hand of a
Dominant. Bullying can be very detrimental and damaging to the health and
well-being of those that are bullied. It is not always overtly obvious and can
be very subtle as your self-esteem and confidence are slowly eroded away over
time. When a relationship becomes detrimental to your health and well-being then
it is time to re-examine that relationship. We say it all the time at Dominus
and it bears repeating here, a submissive is not a doormat, abuse is not ok. Every
submissive has the right to say no if they feel they are being harmed.
While there are many forms of lifestyle choices and D/s
relationships a submissive must be able to at least identify the differences in
domination for the sake of finding the relationship that will best suit their desires
and needs as a submissive. This is one reason we suggest taking the collaring
process slowly to ensure that a good match exists between partners and that
open and honest communication exists between the Dominant and submissive. But what happens when the relationship becomes
damaging and detrimental to the health and well-being of the submissive should the
submissive stay in a harmful situation simply because they are submissive and
are told they must accept their situation? The answer is a big no. The
submissive always has the right to say no and should remember that it is their first
priority to ensure the health, well-being and safety of their Dominants
property, themselves.
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